Me and God Had Beef at McDonald’s: A Spiritual Breakdown (and Breakthrough)
Me and God had beef tonight.
I’ve been preaching gratitude mindset — saying out loud that all my needs are met, even when I don’t feel it — practicing meditation and visualization… and here I am: $35,000 in debt, crying in a McDonald’s at 8 p.m. on a Wednesday because I feel like I don’t know how to write, I don’t know how to run a business, and I want a goddamn cigarette.
The hour before this, I was at a slightly classier joint—the Starbucks down the street— staring at my computer screen, trying desperately to make words happen.
Do you think anything good ever comes from desperation? No. It wasn’t flowing. The words continued to evade me, so I packed up and headed out for a change of scenery.
There aren’t many places to sit for free in my small town, so I ended up in the ol’ Mcdicks dining room.
I grabbed my journal and pen from my bag, slapped them down on the table, and began to furiously write a letter of grievances to God.
Dear God,
Hey I’m having some struggles my dude. It’s around writing. SURPRISE—I’m blocked. I’m finally DOING my blog, but I have another post due tomorrow.
When I’m staring at the page, I feel like I have nothing to say—like I don’t know anything. My mind goes blank and I feel incapable of writing anything without ChatGPT. I feel stupid and untalented compared to an all-knowing machine. But I’m a PERSON, pure Creative Source. And Source wouldn’t give me the desire to be a published writer without the skills to back it up.
I feel EMBARASSED that I put my talent aside for so long and now I can barely string a sentence together. And I’m tired of censoring myself. I’M ANNOYED AT MYSELF. I feel like a fucking imposter making these YouTube videos and blog posts.
At least I’m doing it, though. The fear isn’t stopping me, but I’m still scared! And now I have my workshop coming up in six days! I liked it better when it was a fun idea in my head. But now you want me to execute it? You want me to get up in front of multiple people and talk to them like someone who actually has a business?
I just need to be myself. I’m scared. I’ve never put myself out there like this. I thought that once I started doing, the screaming demon monkeys in my brain would go away. But they are even louder—probably because I’m no longer doing their bidding.
What the fuck am I doing?
Oh yeah...MY DREAM BRO. Living for my SOUL’S MISSION.
I wanna vape. I wanna fuck my ex. SOMEONE GET ME AN IV DRIP OF MORPHINE because they gave me that shit once in the hospital during labour and I loved it…a little too much.
My ego be screechin’. I made a TikTok today that I thought was funny, but I didn’t post it because I got worried about this ‘professional’ attitude I need to have now that I have a life coaching business. But I’m not all love and light! I’m love and light with a lil’ rebellious fire. I’m a spiritual being having a human experience, and I’ll be damned if I can’t do some human shit. Sometimes I want a cigarette. Or chips. And nooooo, they don’t make me feel good, but I want just a teensy break from being self-aware.
Brooooo. I’m going to keep going. I am. I’m going to create straight from Source and stop acting like my first draft is the final one. And when something comes up—I’ll handle it.
Yeah, I have imposter syndrome—I’m working through it.
Send me my money so I can give people concrete evidence that this manifestation shit works.
Okay God thanks I love you bye.
This is who I am. This is my true voice, and it deserves to be shared.
I’ll stop worrying about people scrolling past my blog post because my grammar isn’t perfect, or because I start sentences with and or but. This blog is for ME. And you. My art is meant to bring healing, joy, and laughter to the collective. So let’s keep on keeping on, and we’ll grow together.
With love and gratitude,
Your girl Lei-lei (Leighton)
